Next month it will have been a year since I found this site and really decided to set off on paganism after studying a bit off and on for several years. I always knew it was a vast landscape but I really had no idea. It's beautiful and I love it.
With that being said, I know I'm still a baby and ill practiced but I feel like I've grown an exponential amount. I know that one can hold the beliefs that they choose and we have a vast array of people on here but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't know why. I've found that no matter what I try I'm still an atheist in the ways of deities. Not that it's a bad thing and I know there are atheists on here who practice different things. I think there's some sort of "spiritual" energy in ourselves and the world and that's how magic is done. I also think that plant energies, rivers, forests etc..have their own energies that have been seen as fairies and the like. But I can't for the life of me put my head around deities. I find it an interesting concept. I feel like I can't believe in other spiritual forces if I can't believe in deities.
I hold the belief that anything is possible but I don't personally believe it. I don't mock or scorn others for it. I find it highly interesting and informative. I have celebrated the different seasons with little rituals here and there and have practiced some magic. I feel the energy and spirit in the world and I feel a great reverence to it. I always have. I want to continue my magic practices and seasonal observances. I think I'm getting stuck in my own head. I'm sorry if I'm just rambling.
I want to explore other things but I know I'm holding myself back because of my weird hang up but I feel like I would be betraying that culture or set of beliefs if they hold beliefs in deities. Does anybody else feel this way?
This is sort of a side note but I'm also interested in darker magic in a way. Maybe not so many flowers and love to all. I find a hard time connecting to things like that so I generally edit it. I don't mean darker as in death and hexes and such. Well, death in a "circle of life" sort of way. I enjoy the darker side of life and relate to things like that well. Vodou intrigues me but it's a religion in sorts and I don't want to take and not care about where it comes from. If anybody gets this and can help, that would be awesome. Thank you.
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